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Being grateful for all the awesome things you have is pretty important. I only really started thinking about gratefulness last year when my amazing Sr. year English teacher Mr. Lundholm had us write an exit ticket about it. I am very grateful that you are taking the time to read this passage.
Drew: 11/21/2024
A lot of external issues made this semester difficult, but one of the bright spots was my calculus I instructor. Drew was really good at explaining concepts, which made him the perfect teacher for me. There were a few days where he was clearly sick and/or exhausted from working on his PHD, but he still showed up to class and did the best job he could. During his office hours, I learned what it means to do a mathematics PHD. You're assigned a problem that nobody has ever solved before, and you work on that problem for years, consuming as much literature as you can to find possible solutions. Somebody else could solve the problem before you, nullifying your work. Drew said that he was reading books about math for like, 4 hours a day, everyday. I'd like to be like Drew one day.
I need to work on my ability to work for that though. Ha. How ridiculous.
You really do get over it on some random day! Almost four months ago, I realized I had to end my first relationship (it was incredibly short). I was so terrified of the unknown. I ended it horribly, causing an excess of pain to myself and my ex-partner. Looking back, I'm incredibly grateful for how everything happened because of the personal growth I've gone through since the breakup. The past two days feel like the culmination of all that growth. For the first time IN MY LIFE, I'm under a lot of stress, yet I'm maintaining an excellent mental state.
During my first philosophy class, our professor presented a Chinese Proverb called "The Old Man Lost His Horse." To summarize: a man loses his horse, the horse comes back with a group of horses, his son falls and breaks his leg while riding a horse, and the broken leg prevents him from having to go to war. Throughout the story, the old man's neighbors constantly comfort and applaud the old man when bad and good things happen to him. No matter what the other people say, the old man remains stoic, neither celebrating or complaining about his situation. "Very few events can truly be judged as good or bad, lucky or unlucky, fortunate or unfortunate at the time that they occur." source
I had that lecture a few days after the split, and I really, really tried to internalize the lesson. I definitely didn't. The proceeding months as I grappled with the breakup were TOUGH. I forgot the proverb, and was depressed for a while. I feel as if I'm finally coming out of that tunnel, and the good times are finally here. Perhaps the bad times will return. When they do, I'll do my best to prevent myself from being dragged down.
If it never happened, I wouldn't have made this website. I wouldn't have learned to truly value my friends. I wouldn't have been this commited to the gym. I wouldn't have tried in therapy. I wouldn't have made strides in emotional processing.
Breakups suck, but when you're through them, they're kinda fucking awesome. I can't wait to be on the other side of a breakup and experience a whole new level of pain!
Andrew: 11/21/2024
I genuinely believe I would've dropped out within the first week if my roommate hadn't been Andrew. I was dealing with the worst anxiety of my life, going through my first breakup, and felt like I had absolutely nobody to turn to (at least, in person). On my third day here, Andrew walked in while I was crying and just gave me a hug. I made almost no friends in that first week, and I wouldn't have had anybody at all if Andrew hadn't been so social, eventually introducing me to everybody he met.
Andrew is a better roommate than me. He's very tidy. I'm sorry that I eat your food sometimes. I'll get my own snacks, but thanks for being nice to me when I indulge. He's also just a cool guy. Here's a picture of him wrapping some flowers for a first date. Love that.
He takes extreme care to not wake me up when he comes into the room at night, to the point which there was a time I was up and I didn't realize he had come into the room. He just kind of appeared next to me while I was at my desk and scared the shit out of me, but it was with good intention.
He has my Subway order written down in his notes app.
I am so lucky.
I've never had the number of mental ailments that I've dealt with over the last two months, and I shudder to think where I'd be without these two. I'm grateful for everyone I can turn to during rough times, but Kyle and Jackie know me (and I believe I know them). I don't know how many times I've turned to them since I've gotten here. Despite the physical distance separating the three of us, I feel like we still have each other's backs, no matter what we're dealing with.
I became close with them during the pandemic and we stuck together throughout high school. I wrote about a conversation I had with my roommate regarding the idea of bonding over experiences, not time. The three of us have definitely gone through experiences together: high school sports, breakups*, genuine annoyance with each other, AP testing**, ranked Valorant, and the wicked witch***. I've observed their hard work, and they're two people who I know are going to have successful lives.
The day we said goodbye before college, I didn't expect to cry, yet we all did. I can't speak for them, but in that moment, I fully realized the bond we had built over the last three years. Leaving for college doesn't break that bond, but it does remove some parts: baseball games, grabbing lunch, playing badminton, rides to Krispy Kreme, and cooking together. Losing those parts brings about both sadness and admiration, and I'm grateful that I get to do those things again when we come back for winter break. I'm well aware of the fact that high school friends drift with time, but these two feel like they'll hold an important place in my life for a while, and I consider myself lucky for that.
*external, thank god.
**perhaps more for them than me...
***junior year type beat
This Subway banner might be the greatest birthday gift I've ever gotten. It was given to me by my good friend Maddy, who I met in my first week of being here. A few days after we met, Maddy mentioned that she was making felt name banners for her and her roommate, and offered to make one for me. I asked for her to make a Subway banner for me, and she got it done in time for my birthday. She even remembered to put the little arrows on the S and Y! The greatest part was when she used the "w" in Subway to spell my name out. Genius. Einstein. Newton. Shakespeare. I was having a horrible first week, and that present was one of the reasons things started to get better. Thank you Maddy. Ten out of ten. Maybe even eleven.
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