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These will be short-ish articles that I write. Some vague topics: things that happened to me in college, reflections on past experiences, stupid stuff, (see "My First Love"), hot takes, and general life updates.
Depression, Taking care of yourself 11/13/2024
I got diagnosed with acute mild depression yesterday!!!
While yes, things could be better, things could also be far, far, worse. First of all, the severity of said deperession could be worse. Also, I'm in college, surrounded by people who (I think) like me, and I acknowledge that I'm in a beautiful place. I have access to therapy, music, this website, a toothbrush, a shower, and most importantly, Subway. It's funny, I'd always admired my ability to find the silver lining before I got here. The reasons stated above make the silver lining thicker than it's ever been, yet I can't internalize it and be happy.
It can be hard to take care of yourself with how easy it is to indulge in mindless pleasure these days. When I came to college, I was super motivated to take actions to take care of myself. Over the past month, I feel that I've lost that motivation, and it's become a lot harder to break out of negative cycles. This morning, I woke up at five am because of a bad dream, and I couldn't fall back asleep because I decided to look at my phone to make the thoughts that came from that dream go away. There's a million different examples of me taking small negative actions like that recently. I guess the only course of action is to give yourself grace for the mistakes you've made, and try to get a little better everyday. I ended up taking a cold shower and going to class (albeit I went tired). I'm also planning to go to the gym and meditate today. I will update all of my fans tomorrow. One good decision at a time. Hope you're okay. If not, you will be. Love you all.
Gotta be more like Kendrick.
Once in a while, I'll have a really good idea. Last May, I decided to make an Alice in Wonderland Sea of Thieves montage at 2:00 AM on a weeknight. I neglected all of my homework and showed all my friends the video I created the next day. I didn't know anything about Adobe Premiere before I started, so I was proud of the final product. I felt like sparks were flying in my head while I was making it.
On October 25th at 4:20 PM, I had one of those sparks. I saw a surfboard in Waikiki, and I thought "oh my god, surfs up. there must be something funny that rhymes with surfs up... SMURFS UP!" I immediately texted my good friend KJ (see image). Unfortunately for his fame and ego, he neglected to join me in smurfdom. That day, I ordered body paint and a white beanie.
On Halloween, I got off of my first class and started lathering myself in body paint. My dorm neighbor Adin lathered my back. There is now blue body paint all over my floor, phone, bathroom, computer, sunglasses, and laundry, but it was well worth it.
I love positive attention from others. I don't believe that is a particularly unique desire; I think most of us never get enough attention to satisfy that want. The people who can have that desire extinguished seem to be celebrities*. Today, getting that attention is "easy" (see social media), but how real is it? I don't know, and I don't want to debate that within this passage.
I bring up loving attention because there were so many people complimenting me on my costume and yelling "PAPA SMURF" at me on the street in Waikiki. I've been STEM focused throughout my schooling, rarely dipping my toes into anything requiring creativity. STEM isn't devoid of creativity, but it does call for more rigid thinking than say, music or fashion design. Being complimented on something that I came up with in my head** and that also required some creativity is awesome.
Anyways, I want more positive attention, so I'll be making a Instagram post about my costume today. Please like and comment. I need my dopamine.
*It's important to aknowledge they also recieve a lot of negative attention
**I am neither the first nor the last
My mental health has been really, really shitty over the past two weeks. I let myself get behind on my school work, and I've spent more time thinking about doing my work than actually doing it. I've hardly worked on my website, I haven't gone out much, and I'm not sleeping well. I have some external issues which aren't related to school that I'm devoting much more of my thinking time to than I would prefer.
It's important to give myself credit for the things I've done well:
1. I've gotten some form of exercise everyday
2. I've only missed one assignment so far
3. I'm taking cold showers every day
4. I am eating well
A comment that my friend Dylan left on an Instagram post about college being shitty struck me. "lock in on self improvement that is all that matters". He probably didn't put in a ton of thought into that comment, but it presents a strong point. Self-improvement will lead to better outcomes socially, academically, and most importantly, mentally.
Aren't better mental outcomes key to enjoying life?
Isn't enjoying life the whole point of this being conscious thing?
I think self-improvement is the best solution and distraction to my issues right now. Dwelling on my problems won't help me heal anymore. Improving myself will help me prevent those problems in the future, along with giving myself something away from my problems to focus my efforts on. I still plan on giving myself time to process and feel whatever my issues bring on, but I won't let them be a priority in my life anymore.
I was complaining to my roommate about how I felt a lack of connection here in Hawai'i. My complaints were focused around the length of time I'd been around people. Andrew responded by saying that he believes that closeness is formed by people going through things together, not time. Before that conversation, I was so focused on the length of time in my relationships. It's funny looking back, because experiences make so much more sense.
I fully internalized what Andrew said during a phone call with my friend Tobey, who's going to college over at UPenn. Tobey and I have been good friends for a while, but the best example of us "going through" something together was during a camping trip last November. The night before we were supposed to leave, I elected to sleep in the car because it was like, 40 degrees in the tents.
At around two in the morning, Tobey woke me up and told me he'd thrown up eight times and had to go to the ER. Tobey had consumed multiple hot dogs that had been sitting in rainwater that evening, properly dubbed "swamp dogs". After some deliberation, we decided to wait for a while before going anywhere. I was in my Norm Macdonald hyperfixation phase so I forced Tobey to listen to a twenty minute bit about a gay country music singer. We recorded a bunch of stupid videos (see on the right) and had a good time despite the circumstances.
We never headed to the ER, and fell asleep around five am. Tobey and I both "went through" something that night, and it further strengthened our friendship. We turned what should have been a bad time into a memorable one that we both look back and laugh at together. I'm building those relationships here in Hawai'i too, it's just hard to realize what you're doing in the moment.
Despite your many and ever increasing flaws, I keep choosing you over other sandwich locations. I first walked through your doors in July 2015 at a location on Bayfarm that has since closed. As I entered, the "Subway" smell of toasted bread hit my nose for first time. It was a 2 PM on a weekday, so the establishment was empty except for me and my parents. I still remember what I got: A steak and monterey jack cheese footlong with lettuce, onions, bell peppers, black olives, and most importantly, mustard. Much to my chagrin, my mom made me get whole-grain bread. As 8 year-old me devoured the 12 inch behmeoth, I realized I had a new favorite resturant. 9 years and hundreds of sandwiches later, I don't regret spending a cent on you. Short of closing, no number of price-hikes, anti-consumer metal meat covers, abusive franchising practices, or Jareds can make me fall out of love with you. No other fast-food chain with your sheer number of franchises has the same customizability that you offer to each customer that walks through the door. Unfortunately for me, Subway coupons do not work in Hawai'i, but my love for you trumps any monetary loss I could undergo from purchasing a $12-$13 Sandwich.
I just bought this awesome notebook/journal from a store in Waikiki. The turtles, waves, fish, and mountains are textured, and I'm having a great time running my fingers over the cover and feeling everything. All my friends are surfing right now, but I'm chilling on the beach listening to music and writing. I got a nasty cut on my finger one week ago while I was making dinner, and I don't want saltwater on the wound. The sunsets here are different from the ones in the bay: there's more light orange and less pink and purple. I miss the pink and purple, but I know that if I was in the bay, I would miss the orange here. I'll try and enjoy this the best I can. Update: the sunset wasn't that good today, the clouds blocked most of the light rays.
I have started college. I saw Xavier's post about his own website, and that prompted me to create my own.
I would call college a "mixed bag" so far.
Pros: Oah'u is a very beautiful place to live. I have people here that I love, and they love me back. I have unlimited food. I have a free gym. None of my classes are terribly difficult.
Cons: I have trouble appreciating the things I do have. I am not fully used to the weather. I have trouble sleeping. Controlling my thoughts are difficult. Mentally shit some days.
Last week was really rough, and I had to go to crisis counseling on Wednesday. While I was walking back to my dorm, I looked at one of the trees on Dole street, and saw the pink bunches of flowers between the leaves for the first time. I've walked past those trees at least 80 times since I arrived here. Since then, I've noticed the pockets of color in the plants that I used to look past. There's so many different flowers here: the four freshmen towers are named after the flowers of the four most populous islands. My tower is I'lima, the flower of O'ahu. I had to look at the freshman dorm website for that information, and I saw an image of the towers that I looked at back home when I was applying for housing. The towers are a few shades lighter in the picture than real life. That image felt foreign to me, and I felt that same feeling of "not knowing" that I felt before I moved here. That mystery is starting to fade the more time I spend on campus, but it's still there for the rest of the island. There are a few other times in my life I felt that mystery, and one of them was when I played Sea of Thieves for the first time. Therefore, college is just Sea of Thieves. The psychatrist lady changed my ADHD meds from the white ones to the red ones. The red ones do not work nearly as well as the white ones, and they make my face feel like it's on fire. I don't know what I'm getting at while writing this. I hope you found some enjoyment reading it.
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